I feel like it's been a lifetime since I've opened up my laptop and began to witter on about whatever takes my fancy. Make a drink, and snuggle down as this is going to be one heck of a long one (and i'm not kidding).
So much has happened in the last 6 months, it's hard to remember the very beginning of this crazy whirlwind of a ride I've been on. My whole world was tipped on it's head in May, but looking back on it now has made me so much stronger as a person. In life we face things that are meant to test us, send us in a direction we didn't expect or want to go on yet make us learn and grow, simultaneously. Without going into detail, I'm now single & have moved to Reading, Berkshire. It wasn't the way I expected 2017 to roll but I'm now certainly going with the flow like a faint fish.
Reading is a world away from Birmingham it seems. I cannot get enough of the countryside that surrounds it, or being so close to the Thames. Having said that, I'm yet to take a boat trip down it nor run along it's paths but I've so much time to now. The air feels different, not as congested like in 'Brum, and although there are rows upon rows of houses, the roads are tree lined & everyone says good morning or good afternoon in our area - I LOVE that.
I'm still nannying for the same wonderful family but looking for jobs in between those hours so I can save a ton & then travel. I have dreams bigger than I ever thought i'd conjure up now & i'm raring to experience the world and different cultures. I have a new found love of the idea of spontaneity and just soaking up all of the little things that seem to keep popping up along my way. I have began to delve into a little Mindfullness, although everything i'm reading and discovering about it I feel I generally do anyway, just in smaller doses.
One thing that has become more apparent to me over the last few months is how I have this yearning to try & make moments a little brighter. It's one thing that has come out of the negative situation I found myself in those months back. I don't question myself anymore, diving head first into doing it with a "f*ck it" approach.. I have nothing to lose. If I see anyone a little off colour I have this little niggle that makes me want to do something to make them smile. On Sunday I was on the train & overheard a guy who was on the phone, looking hesitant to answer it in the first place (possibly the loudest ringer you. have. ever. heard). It was hard not to ear-wig as his tone was so unsettling. I watched this poor guys lips tremble, his face screw up & his constant blink upwards as if to avoid those little droplets of sadness fall down his cheek. He seemed so aware that people could hear him, yet as much as he tried to quieten down he couldn't help the words come out in a deep voice "I have to go OK. Now isn't a good time". He hung up and swallowed, as if any tiny morsel of pride he tried to keep a-hold of disappeared, his cheeks a dusky pink as the other passengers glanced at each other in our part of the carriage.
My eyes were transfixed on him. In the most unselfish way to describe it, that was the first time in a long time I felt as if I experienced someone elses pain. The only thing I have to compare it to the loss of a loved one and seeing families faces... not in the experience but the look of this chap made me so so sad. I cannot bear the thought of not being able to do anything to take it away for someone who clearly just needed a break. For whatever reason he felt sad, I wanted to make it better.
I didn't know what I could offer him to try and brighten up a dreary Sunday eve..I didn't want to force upon him one of my squeeziest hugs.. nor money as I have no clue why he was so upset. In my bag were 12 Cadburys Freddo bars (now don't be one to judge, they were in Portsmouth's Cadburys shop at a bargain price. I would have shared them....... maybe. I have been told, numerous times that chocolate makes everything better but I've only recently began to eat it and need it in my life....!).
So anyway, off I get at Reading & he too was queuing to leave the train. It felt as if my heart was in my mouth but I walked up to this gentle giant, with long black hair in a ponytail, a beard & covered head to toe in tats and, with a voice that was quivering to eff I said "Excuse me, sorry...I overheard your conversation an.." he interrupted as he looked up "i'm sorry" so I replied "no, don't be". I went to hand him the Freddo and he beamed, looking down to it then up at me. "I can't do a great deal but I wanted to give you this to hopefully make you smile. I've been in a place where you can't speak for fear of bawling your eyes out so just know everything will get better". I even gave him a thumbs up.... and I don't think I've done that since our year 6 leavers photo in 2009. Cringe.
I walked off and I promise you, I could have skipped. I saw his smile & it meant more to me in that moment than anything I could have possibly thought was my happy (the thought of a cup of tea on that rainy cold Sunday eve didn't even come close!).
Now, you may wonder why I've just waffled on for a good 5 minutes about some guy on the train but I guess my point is this. If you can, do. If you can make someone's day a little easier, or take a little off their workload, do it. Just be more mindful of those around you, search for those smiles. Used the last teabag in the staff room? Replace the tin. You never know if the next person "gasping" (as my mum would call it) for a brew hasn't just had the worst morning and wants to give up. Send that card you've been meaning to post, as it may be falling through the letterbox of someone who's just had the worst news. Send a bloody text, even if it's just asking someone how their week has gone. It doesn't have to be big things... realistically, they're the forgotten in the long term. Do everything without seeking something in return (if I could have anonymously placed that Freddo in front of him and hid under an invisibility cloak I would have..!).
It made me the happiest & was such a learning curve.. anyone that knows me knows how much I panic over confrontation or putting myself into a situation of uncertainty. But I did it, and I've been on a little high ever since. Paying that little bit more attention to your friends, family & partners could really make their day a little brighter. I'm sharing this with you to use as an example, because i'm using this blog as an outlet for anything that i'm enjoying or experiencing.
Now if you've ever been to Reading station you will know how beautiful the sunsets are through the big glass windows. Without sounding like a mad box of frogs, I got up the escalators to be met with the most beautiful pink sky. I swear it was as if I was being reminded that, in the words of Dumbledore, "Happiness can be found even in the darkest of times, if one only remembers to turn on the light".
I'll share with you another thing I've learnt recently in my next post. I'd love to promise that it won't be as never-ending as this one but I'd be lying. My name doesn't mean 'talks alot' for nothing.
X
😍😍😍
ReplyDelete