That being said, I have had a period over the last few months where I feel like I've become a much happier person. It may sound ridiculously over the top but I feel like everything in life is leading you to where you're meant to be, and everything happens for a reason. Little things have made me realize that the word "love" has a much bigger meaning too.
I thought it may help any of you who may be going through a patch of "what the f*ck am I doing" or "How the f*ck will I get through this" by letting you in on a few things that's helped me.
1. I've loved Catching up with friends I haven't seen in a looooong old time. Now, I'm the sort of person who'd strike a conversation with just about anyone, be it on a train, in a coffee shop, on the bus. I do this daily.. but what I haven't done is ensure I keep up with those I've known for years. Unfortunately time is limited when I pop home from Reading, but I managed to see a few faces whilst I was home a lot at the end of last year & it was super lovely to see that nothing really changes. I'm now ensuring when I pop back I free up a few hours to catch up with the girls before life gets in the way for us all.. as it inevitably does from time to time.
2. I've loved Looking up. If you follow any of my social media, you'll realize I love taking photos or telling people what I'm up to. I love being able to look back on Instagram and be like "I remember that day". If you know me well enough you'll know my memory is absolutely shocking so that's also why I like to capture moments so I can try and remember them at a later date. But what I haven't been doing is absorbing the surroundings I'm in. I haven't been opening my eyes to the world around me and not what's on my little phone screen. So recently, any walk I've taken or journey I've traveled I've been really mindful to look up. Look up and appreciate the beautiful part of the world we live in and not what can be seen by others through my screen.
3. I love Tea. Tea makes bloody everything better. Everyday, green, you name it, I'll be drinking it. I think if you can spare 10 minutes out of your day to drink a tea, sitting down and just having a quiet few moments to yourself it can work wonders. I know I sound bat sh*t crazy but it's just being mindful that by doing something so simple, can potentially save a dreadful day to take some deep breaths and count to ten.
4. I've loved being open to meeting new people. Now I don't really mean this in a relationship sense, although I'd definitely say I've grown in confidence massively since being single, but more with new people, new strangers, that give the opportunity to form a new friendship. Kind of relating to point 1, there will be times when everyone I can think of will be super busy, so I'll wander on my own to a coffee shop or go somewhere for the day and I'll leave with the name of the barista, or someone will sit near me and we'll arrange to meet again the following week. I have recently joined a local school & a charity shop doing some voluntary work and have already began chatting to people and arranging meeting up etc. I love the fact I have friends all over the UK for various different reasons and various different meetings over the years.
5. I love to Write Lists & keep a goal list. One thing I've started doing recently is writing a list, which compromises of 1 thing I want to achieve by the end of the week, 1 thing I would work on/would change moving forwards from the following week, and general things I need to remember. I've wrote a few goals I want to achieve by certain dates in the front, and "travel" ideas at the back. It kind of acts like a reminder to keep doing what I'm doing, working towards goals and accomplishments that are completely do-able if I keep on track and want them enough. It's made things happen because I've been able to visually see where I want to go or what I want to do and in terms of having a "I'M 25 AND HAVE NO F*CKING IDEA WHAT I'M MEANT TO BE DOING" has helped massively in pushing me to complete.
6. I've loved learning about Remembering your worth. It's so so easy to say it, but until you actually feel like you are content with yourself and know your own value it makes no difference if you pop up a pinterest picture quote or not. It has taken me an absolute age to realize that I am worth far more than I was made to feel many months ago. Now this certainly isn't to bash anyone but I spent an awful long time trying to make out like I was worth the risk, that I would become whatever that person wanted me to be in order for it to work and when that wasn't to be.. spent weeks trying to think of why I wasn't good enough or what was so bad about me. Goodness knows, if I had listened to absolutely everyone around me, including people who weren't my own family or friends I'd have been a hell of a lot happier quicker. I just didn't think I was worth anyone's time of day.
There was one evening that I remember saying "I just don't want to be here anymore". For someone who is pretty damn positive 90% of the time, even I knew I'd hit some low point that I'd never experienced before. But do you know what? Even if it took me 8/9 months, I have found that I now have the power to be anyone I want, feel what I want, do what I want, and it isn't about anyone else's opinions of if I'm good enough or not. I am quite literally in a take it or leave it mindset. I have built myself up with some beautiful people around me to recognize that I lived a life far too long of trying to be good enough for others & it just had to stop. Remember that trust in other people is extremely important but trusting your own instincts and trusting that you're true to yourself is worth far more. Don't forget to embrace all the love that gets sent your way- if not there forever it's a lesson in itself that nothing is final. Give your love as freely or as guarded as you'd like, too.
7. I've loved learning that it's all about Taking risks and know it's OK to be scared. I had an idea just before Christmas that I wanted to move. I wasn't entirely sure where to or what for but I just felt a bit liked I didn't belong in Berkshire and that whilst I still had a chance, I needed to work in different fields before I made any career decisions or go travelling. Both of which are at the top of my to do list.. I can't even explain how much I want to go & see the world but I thought it better to get my head down for a few months first and explore towards the end of this year. It's a risk, but I am beyond excited to move to Cardiff, meet new people, explore new places & most of all find my feet a bit in this world.
8. I love that Nothing is final. You should never feel like you have to stay in one place, stay with one person or stay with one mindset. Life isn't life without choices and consequences. You can't truly live if you're unhappy. Things change, people and places change - both the latter in fact, can fundamentally change from the person/place they once were and there's a little bit of soul searching and acceptance to come to terms with that but you will. I think life is an awfully exciting adventure and even if seemingly intimidating sometimes, should be lived to the absolute fullest.
Jay X
(PS - I'm sorry it's taken so long to post... I'm hoping to get back into the swings of this blogging malarky once I've moved to Cardiff in a week & a bit!).
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